The Song I Never Wrote

I stand here in the corner, watching the rain shower the outside world from outside the window – oblivious to the chattering noises and party music behind me. I frowned and let out a small sigh, ‘I shouldn’t be feeling like these…’

“Hey! What’s up?” a voice behind me caught me by surprise and I turned to find him standing there, looking as handsome as he always was. I managed to give him a small smile and watched as he walked towards me.

“Why are you just standing here? Aren’t you supposed to be partying and enjoying yourself like the others?” he asked, standing next to me and giving me a small frown.

I gently shook my head and eyed the outside world once again, “You know that partying is not really my thing, don’t you?”

He just chuckled at my little comment, “Still as antisocial as before, aren’t you?” he mildly joked.

“Some things never changed.” I gave him another smile before turning back to the same spot that I have been staring at before – ‘Why can’t he just leave me here and go dancing with—’

“It’s been long since I’ve last seen you.” to my disappointment, he stayed, “How’ve you been?”

“Quite fine… just like the usual.”

“Hey! Don’t sound so cold.”

“Sorry…”

Silence enveloped the two of us and it was driving me mad. I threw quick glances at him, watching – mesmerized, by that smile on his face. How can one smile make me feel so…

“I missed you.” he suddenly said which made me turn to him completely. He only gave me a small smile and stared out of the window.

“Why would you?” I, too, stared out of the window – watching his reflection from the window glass. “…when you’re always with…” I added with a slight hint of a joke, trying to lighten the mood. He only chuckled.

“Rina is looking for you.” he said and I sighed – the last thing I wanted was to go watch some ‘love-fool couple’ dance.

“Why?” I mustered a small puzzled frown, “I thought she’d never notice that I’m gone…”

“But I do…” I could’ve sworn that I heard him say but when he didn’t say another word, I shrugged it off.

“You shouldn’t be staying here with me, you know?” I sighed, watching for his reaction out of the corners of my eyes. “Rina must be looking for you…” I added, trying to sound as convincing as I can.

“She’ll never notice.” he only said, “She’s too busy entertaining the guests.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be there, helping her?” I frowned at my friend.

“She can handle it herself,” he shook his head.

“What kind of a boyfriend are you?” I shook my head at him, “And I thought you were the gentleman-type.”

He frowned, “I never thought that you did…”

I blinked – ‘Now, what was that for…’

“Come…” he suddenly grabbed me by m wrists, “Let’s go join our former classmates…”

“No… but—” but all my protests were soon forgotten as I looked at the smallest hint of sadness in his eyes. I found myself loss for words as I let him pull me with him. We soon entered the dim-lighted room where some have already taken their spot in the middle of the room to dance. I spotted some of our highschool classmates chattering nearby. Before I could go and hide myself once again, my companion had already called their attention and waved at them.

Great… I’m doomed…

Unwillingly, I followed as he went to join them. I sighed as we finally reached their table and managed to give them a small smile.

“Hello…” I half-heartedly said.

“Oohh! Lea!” they all gave me a very surprised smile as he pulled a seat for me. I quietly thanked him and sat.

“Man… you look prettier now!” one of them actually said and I only gave them a small smile.

“I’m not…” I said, “It’s just the same nerdy and ugly me…”

“You were never nerdy…” he suddenly said, “I never thought that you’re ugly.”

I turned to him, surprised at his words. My highschool classmates, however found the whole thing amusing.

“I never thought you still got it for her, Danny!” one of them said and I gently shook my head. He (Danny) only chuckled and excused himself to get something to drink.

“It’s still a surprise for me that he ended up with Rina!” one of my classmates, Lory, said directly at me. I could feel my cheeks flaming as I felt rather see all of their eyes on me.

“Whatever you meant by that?” I frowned at them, “They look perfect together, aren’t they?”

“Perfect?” Ken, another one of my classmates, looked at me as if I had grown another head. I gave him one puzzled frown.

“You are perfect for him!” was said by another of my classmate, Joy. I gaped at them and quickly shook my head.

“No you were wrong!” I said more firmly as I intended it to be – ‘They knew? How could that be?! I was too careful not to let anything slip! Am I that obvious?’ I was starting to feel the panic rise from inside of me, ‘No… they’re just babbling… They knew nothing! It’s impossible! I was too careful!’

“Easy girl!” Lory gave me a smile, “Or you’ll have heart attack.”

I gave her a small giggle, “That was quite a joke, you know!” I jokingly threw a table napkin at her.

“The ‘heart attack’ part or the ‘we think you and Danny are perfect’ part?” Joy said with a slight raise of her eyebrows. I stared at her.

“The second one, of course!” I said, “That’s a joke, right?”

“Of course not.” Ken shook his head and I gaped at them. “It was kind of a surprise for us when you helped Rina with him. I mean… it’s obvious the guy had it for you.”

“Me?” I blinked, “You’ve got to be kidding me… There’s no way…”

Ken, Lory and Joy exchanged looks and I could’ve sworn that I heard them sigh. Then, they all turned their eyes back at me. I gulped.

“You two were so close… remember?” Joy said, turning to Lory and Ken who both nodded.

“That’s because we’re friends.” I said, silently thanking that the room was a dark enough to hide my blush.

“They always go to school together and he always walks her home, right?” Joy continued, as if she never heard me.

“Because we’re neighbors!”

“And he was her date for the Junior’s prom, right?” Ken added which made me blushed even more – it that is possible.

“Because neither of us had dates!”

“I thought that they’re really together after the prom…” Lory sighed, “Then Rina suddenly entered the picture…”

I sighed, “Rina has got nothing to do with this, guys…”

“Why did you help the girl get the guy you want then?” Joy finally turned to me, “Isn’t that the stupidest thing to do?”

I sighed – my heart and mind in complete agreement with her. Up to know, it is still a wonder to me why I helped that girl, Rina, when I could easily have gotten the guy for myself.

Rina transferred to our school in our senior years. She was pretty, smart, rich and soon became popular – more particularly to the guys (both classmates and non-classmates). For me, she was the picture of perfection… something I can never be.

It was lunch break when I first actually talked with the transferee. Danny had a basketball practice with his teammates (he was a member of our school varsity team), so I was left alone for the rest of the day. Rina came to me and asked if she could join me in my table. Being my shy and humble self, I let her be and minded my own business as the antisocial girl that I was.

“Hey… I’m Rina. You’re Lea, right?” she said, extending her hand out for me to shake. I looked at her hand as if it was poison then up to her smiling face. With a smile of my own, I quickly shook her hand and proceeded back to my meal.

“It’s a nice school you’ve got.” she said, eyeing the cafeteria, “Better than my last one, that is.”

“I never thought that it was great.” I shrugged, “Maybe it was because I always see it everyday.”

She only giggled and I shook my head.

“Why did you transfer here?” I asked, not really wanting to sound so rude but now that it has already escaped my mouth… well…

“This place is closer to my father’s office.” Rina explained and smiled.

“Oh, I see.” I only nodded.

“Nice necklace!” she commented, eyeing the necklace hanging around me neck. I hid it underneath my blouse and gave her a small smile.

“My best friend gave it to me.” I replied to her unvoiced question.

“Wow… it was very nice of him to give it to you!” Rina sighed and I blinked at her.

“I never told you that my friend was a guy.” I said.

“Isn’t it Danny?” Rina blinked, “I thought he was you’re bestfriend.”

“You know that as well?” I frowned.

“I have eyes, you know?” Rina said lightly with a smile. I smiled back at her.

“It must be sad that you’ve left all your friends back in your old school, eh? Do you miss them?” I asked.

“I never had one.” Rina said, still smiling, but I can see that her eyes wasn’t. “We always go moving. It’s my third school just this year.”

I ‘oh’-ed and turned back to my half-eaten meal, losing my appetite, “That must be awful…”

“I’m used to it.” Rina shrugged.

I turned back at her and smiled, “If you want… I can be your very first friend.” I said and watched as her eyes shone. I gave her another smile and waited for her answer. She gave me a smile.

That was the start of a very unlikely friendship. Who would’ve thought? It was like – I was the ugly duckling and she was the princess, and yet we became friends. Rina started hanging out more with me (and Danny, that is). The three of us started doing things together, hanging out or just spending the time with each other. It was fun. Really it was… Never thought that things would start to get pretty complicated.

I started to notice things that I have never stopped and took notice of before. I started to realize something that I have never thought of before. Now that it wasn’t only to me that he smiled like that… Now that it wasn’t only to me that he walks home with… Now that it wasn’t only with me he laughs with… I came to realize something.

I was jealous and I don’t even know why…

“Here’s the drink!” my thoughts were cut-off as I realized that Danny has come back and took the seat next to me. I thanked him for the drink and gave him a small smile.

“Where’s Rina?” asked Ken. “Man, you shouldn’t go leaving your girlfriend like that.”

“She’s talking with someone.” Danny only shrugged, looking as if he couldn’t care less, “I don’t want to bother her so I just left her.”

“That’s very rude.” I gave him a look and he frowned at me, “Did you even tell her that you were with us?”

“I told her.” Danny said nonchalantly, “I just don’t know if she heard me.”

I frowned at him, ‘Why did he have to act like he doesn’t care?’ but I kept my words to myself as Lory caught my attention back to her.

“Hey, you got a boyfriend?” Lory asked. Joy and Ken actually stopped to look at me. I could feel Danny’s eyes on me as I strained my eyes over my other friends.

“Whatever gave you that idea?” I shook my head, “What kind of a blind idiot would go for me?”

“I know one.” Danny suddenly said, staring at his drink, “And he is the biggest idiot that I know because he still hopes that you’ll finally see him… one day.”

I gaped at him – my mind forming all kinds of conclusion from the slight implication of his words; my heart hopefully beating at an alarming faster rate. I heard my other three friends laugh and began teasing him, but I couldn’t care less. Is it possible that I had made a mistake?

“Hi guys!”

I looked up, realizing only then that Rina had finally come to join them. The princess gave us all the killer smile she was oh-so-popular with and went to give Danny a small kiss on the cheek. I bit my lip as I watched the small display of affection and let my eyes fall to my hands, suddenly finding more interest in it.

“That’s my favorite!” Rina exclaimed as the band started a new song. She turned to Danny expectantly and I felt rather heard his small sigh.

“You don’t mind me borrowing my boyfriend for a while, eh?” Rina smiled at us before walking down the dance floor – hand-by-hand with the man that I have grown to love.

“C’mon… let’s dance…” Lory said, as if sensing my growing distress. I shook my head at them and watched as they all shrugged and left me alone with my thoughts.

I risked one look at the ‘couple’ in the middle of the floor, and sighed – ‘Lory, Joy and Ken are all wrong… Danny and Rina are perfect together. See the evidence?’ she dejectedly thought and took a small sip of her suddenly tasteless drink.

I remembered the first time that Rina confessed to me how she thought she was falling for my bestfriend. I will never forget the pain that have stabbed my heart into pieces with the little confession. I will never forget the expectant look on her face – her almost puppy eyes, as she asked for my help. The feeling of being lost, feeling of being… I don’t know…

So, little by little I have started to distant myself from my bestfriend – leaving him all alone with Rina all the time. I don’t know why I did that – maybe it was because I can see how he looks at her, or how he smiled at her, or how he treated her – maybe, it was more of a defensive mechanism on my part than to help Rina. Maybe it was because I’m trying to ready myself from the blow that I know will soon come – the blow that I know will kill my already broken heart.

“Are you avoiding me?” Danny had asked me one time, in midst of all the tension and I will never forget the look on his face as he asked me this. Something akin to sadness that I readily dispensed as something more of a friend-thing than anything.

“Why would you be thinking that I am?” was my response as I turned my back at him and pretended myself to be busy at something – afraid that I will let something inside of me slip if I stared at his sad face.

“You are!” he grabbed me by my arm, almost painfully and forced me to face him. I stared in shock at his angry face and bit my lip in fear.

“Why are you doing this?” he asked, letting me go and as if sensing my fear, he lowered his voice, “Was it something I did?”

“No, it wasn’t…” I said, still looking anywhere but him.

“Then why?”

“It’s not your fault…” I finally got the courage to look at him and found him staring at me with the same look of sadness on his face, “It’s more of a problem I had…”

“Then tell me…” he was quickly beside me before I even knew it and was worriedly staring at me.

“I can’t…” I looked down, again.

“You know that you can tell me anything. I want to help you. I don’t want to see you like this.” he placed a hand on my shoulder, making me jump at the little contact, “Please let me help you. You used to tell me everything… why stop now?”

‘Not when my problem involves me falling for you…’ I sadly smiled, “I can’t… You can’t help… There’s nothing anyone could do to help me…”

I looked up and gave him another smile, gently pushing him away as I turned my back at him again, “You should be with Rina, you know? Aren’t you supposed to help her with something?”

“Rina again?” he said aloud, “It’s always like that! ‘Rina this! Rina that! Rina everything!’ ”

“She’s waiting for you.” I only replied in a little voice.

“Wait for all she want!” he said to my utter surprise. “Why can’t she do a simple project by herself?”

“You promised that you’ll help her!” I faced him with a frown.

“I promised you that I’ll help her!” he rolled his eyes.

I only gaped at him, “C’mon… she’s your friend.”

“No… she is your friend…” he sighed, “There’s a difference, you see?”

“How can you say that?” I frowned, “You are so rude!”

“Me?! Rude?!” he made an angry gesture in air and I jumped back in fear – that was the first time that I have seen him reach the limits and it scared me, “I was very NICE to her! I never LEFT her! I always HELPED her!” he turned to me, “I did everything because SHE is YOUR friend!”

“Don’t talk like that!” I met his eyes and watched as he frowned at me, “You don’t know that Rina—”

“Of course I know how she felt!” Danny said which took me, again, by surprise. And as if reading my mind, he continued, “Do you think that I was that blind?! Do you think that I’m that dense?”

“You know? Then what’s all this fuss about?” I said, “The why are you acting like this?” I bit my lip as I asked him, “You like her, don’t you?”

He only stared at me for a long time, his face was unreadable and his eyes left nothing for me.

“Is that what you want me to do? To like her?” he asked in a low voice.

I met his eyes unblinkingly, biting the insides on my cheeks to stop myself from crying here in front of the man that I have love – will always love… to stop myself from running to him and giving him one last hug.

“Yes…” I said in a small voice that was never my own. I let my eyes fall to my shoes as he just stood there, imagining the look on his face. I bent my head down, letting my hair fall past my shoulder, hiding my face from his view, my vision slowly becoming blurred as tears formed in my eyes… threatening to fall at any instant.

I heard his footsteps… fading and fading until I could hear nothing but the drumming of my heart. I let one tear fall straight to the shiny floor, and another – and another, as the storm of emotions finally came out of me. My knees suddenly becoming weak, the world slowly starting to spin right at my very own eyes… I felt so small… so weak… so… broken dead…

He never talked to me after that… never went to school with me within the vicinity, never walked home with me… never did anything with me in the picture. He was always with her – the girl he was supposed to be… like the picture I’ve always imagined in my mind.

I got what I want, right? Now why can’t I be happy?

I looked up at the dance floor and watched the couples dance – watching a particular couple dance. I wonder what could’ve been the story if I wasn’t just the coward that I was… if I wasn’t the stupid girl that I was…

I’m feeling everything just because I have written a different song… with a different melody, a different lyrics and a different story.

I sighed and stood up, silently walking out of the room as discreetly as I could – finally having enough of all the tension, of all the sorrows. For once, I never felt rude for doing something like this, unaware of the pair of eyes that was watching me sadly as I move.

If I was only braver, with more courage I could have easily set a different song with a more catchy lyrics, and a more happy tone. Pity though, I wasn’t that kind of a girl. I never grabbed the chance to write…

The Song I Never Wrote…